Anyone going through a divorce should consider mediation, which can work for almost all couples and has a long list of benefits.

• Mediation is much less expensive than a court trial or a series of hearings.

• Most mediations end in a settlement of all of the issues in your divorce.

• Mediation is confidential, with no public record of what goes on in your sessions.

• Mediation allows you to arrive at a resolution based on your own ideas of what is fair in your situation, rather than having a solution imposed upon you based on rigid and impersonal legal principles.

• You can still have a lawyer give you legal advice if you wish.

• You and your spouse — not the court — can control the process.

• The mediation process can improve communication between you and your spouse, helping you avoid future conflicts.

Mediation is one of the most frequently used methods of negotiating a divorce settlement. In divorce mediation, you and your spouse—or, in some cases, the two of you and your respective lawyers—hire a neutral third party, called a mediator, to meet with you in an effort to discuss and resolve the issues in your divorce. The mediator does not make decisions for you but serves as a facilitator to help you and your spouse figure out what is best.

While mediation is absolutely worth trying for most couples, not every couple belongs in mediation. For example, if there is domestic violence in your relationship, you should consider carefully before you agree to participate—but do not dismiss it out of hand. Some people who have experienced abuse in their marriages find it empowering to meet on the level playing field of a mediation session.  To be successful in divorce mediation, both people must show up willing to negotiate and open to compromise. Do not reject mediation just because you and your spouse see a particular issue very differently—in other words, do not give up before you have begun. Mediation is a powerful process and many cases that seem impossible to resolve at the beginning end up in a settlement if everyone is committed to the process.

Lawyers in Divorce Mediation

If you are represented by an attorney, the question will arise whether your attorney should attend the divorce mediation with you. This is something you will work out with the mediator, your attorney, your spouse, and your spouse's attorney. Very often, family law mediation sessions involve just the divorcing spouses and the mediator. This keeps costs down and ensures that you and your spouse do the talking and make the decisions (lawyers tend to take over when they are present).

Getting Started

After the mediator has gone over the basics, you will get a chance to make a short statement about your situation, as will your spouse. After you've each had a chance to speak, the mediator is likely to ask some questions to clarify or get more information. The mediator may also reflect back what you have said, to be sure that both the mediator and your spouse have understood all of your points. The same will go for your spouse.

The next step will be to assess where you and your spouse agree and where you need some work to get to agreement. Once you have a sense of what needs to be accomplished, you, your spouse, and the mediator will plan how you are going to accomplish it. It is very likely that you will need to gather more information, especially if you are dealing with property issues as well as child custody questions. (For example, if you do not know the value of your house, you cannot have an intelligent discussion about a buyout.) The mediator will help you figure out what information you need and ask each of you to commit to bringing certain things for the next session.

Negotiating an Agreement

When negotiations begin, the mediator may suggest that you deal with simpler issues first. Answering the easier questions builds trust and encourages compromise when it comes to the more difficult issues.

Negotiating agreements is not always linear. You may start at what feels like the end, and you may find yourself needing to gather more information at various points. The mediator will help you to stay on track and brainstorm options, will encourage you and your spouse to express your opinions, positions, and what's important to you, and will help you listen to each other in ways that will make a resolution more likely. (You may be able to use some of these communication tools in your ongoing parenting relationship.)

The two most important things you can do to make your mediation successful are:

·       to be open to compromise, and

·       to really listen and try to understand your spouse's point of view.

Understanding your spouse's position does not mean you have to agree with it. But it is possible that once you do understand what your spouse's real concerns are, you will have new ideas about how to resolve things. Your efforts at understanding will encourage your spouse to do the same.

Being open to compromise means that you are not attached to one solution—you cannot just put your idea on the table and expect your spouse to accept it. A compromise that works is one that takes both of your interests into account. Consider the possibility that your spouse might have valid ideas as well and take the time to think them through instead of rejecting them out of hand.

Completing the Agreement

Once your negotiations are finished and you have found a solution, either the mediator or one of your attorneys will write an agreement and, in many cases, a parenting schedule or parenting plan. These documents will be incorporated with the rest of your divorce paperwork and become part of your divorce judgment, which means that a court could enforce them if one of you does not do what the agreements say you will do.